often, you have a discussion with someone in your life that leaves you ruminating on things. other times you won’t have a conversation, & this leaves you ruminating too – the function of the conversation can then be to air things, to remove the agitation that can come out of useless cyclical rumination.
being sometimes subject to insomnia (the types suggested over here on the overland blog) i tend to take notice of the fluctuation in thought patterns, the strength of the link between variation in thought & overall calm. there are two possibilities that arise from my recent discoveries, one bad, one good, both at any rate interesting.
the results require a narrative of digression. as a child i lived in a dead-end street, a crescent, in werribee (is this usually called a cul-de-sac?). we were on the corner, & the house had a large thatched fence all the way around the back. to attain some focus: there was a small collection of vegetation refuse at the back corner of the yard. it was possibly years & years worth of dirt, leaves, grass etc. as one does during childhood years (these are situated between 1 – 6) i would give small objects heightened importance, status. one day, i found an old matchbox tractor in the refuse pile. i knew it was old because it had most of the paint worn away, & it had obviously come to the heap before we lived there. i kept it & thought about it quite a bit, then a few years ago wrote the discovery into not one, but two poems.
last night i thought about it again. as can happen i began remembering other incidents & objects temporally located near the found tractor. a crab-apple tree. tyre-swings. faux-evidence of the easter bunny. all of these things came upon me with a welcome surprise, much like the initial surprise of finding an old toy, something that you can move forward to treasure. the greater point is though that these thoughts (situated in 1980′s werribee) made me feel peaceful, & in a better frame of mind for sleep. there is something in this. because whenever you try to change your mind about your mood (in the vein of: ‘happiness is state of mind. if you’re depressed, simply change your mind!’) invariably the attempt fails. especially (yeah yeah, for you, for me, universality implied) if you try to do something like recite lists to settle the mind & invite sleep. it seems that a relaxed state of consciousness, one that allows physical rest, is always a surprise.
so. the good thing is surprises abound. we are constantly being surprised by even the smallest of things. it might be minor or not. but nothing is as expected. if it were we would always be depressed: yep, it happened just like i thought it would. there is an extreme likelihood we will be happily at rest by just allowing ourselves to be surprised. to take notice of such occurrences. if you can’t sleep, if you are feeling worried or unsure about something, just await the surprise of anew situation or circumstance.
but the bad is that you can’t predict such things. we feel like shit & want that to change on the spot. we take seeping pills. we blast our synapses with alcohol. we blame other people for our un-functional brain. what is to be done?
i don’t know. but it has to do with seeing things. treat every little thing (for instance the constantly unexpected green flash your mobile phone gps function makes that illuminates your 3am darkened room) as if it were a matchbox truck with the pain rubbed away by time & strange hands. maybe it’s what i was searching at with ‘innocent eyes’. but then again.