in the wine-dark evening everything seems like a good idea. even the silly things, the ‘read at 7.26am’ strings-of-thought you can’t undo. i guess if i have one talent it’s ruining things. i fell asleep with the tv on awoke with a start. men fixing the air-conditioning on the roof of the building opposite. there was a bathrobe tho, so i wore it briefly, that at least was good & positive. i thought this to myself as i was wearing it. is everything about the insistence of the ‘I’? i want/feel/need something & this makes it important. it’s selfish & i don’t like it but what else is there.
perhaps it was the bathrobe that made me late.. not stupidly late, no phone-calls and enquiries about my health this time. just enough to walk in mid-discussion & be noticed. i don’t like being noticed. or maybe i do. only sometimes. only with people i’m trying to impress.
there’s a christina stead plaque on circular quay that i didn’t read but walked over. one of our greatest writers. i have an anecdote about reading ‘for love alone’ that i remember every now & then & consider re-telling. this morning i briefly thought i was getting at the meaning of it. see i read ‘for love alone’ but it took a long time. a couple of years i think. i abandoned it a few times, only to keep coming back to it, not remembering the narrative but re-reading, picking it up again, persisting. during the process i told someone how difficult i was finding this reading. he said i was in fact not reading the book, rather than actually reading it. for some reason that annoyed me. it was maybe obstinacy that then made me finish the book. the point is that it’s a beautiful book but at the same time complex, difficult. it really would be easier to not read it. but i couldn’t. and the prose kept occupying me. i’d find myself thinking of something in the book all the time, wanting to talk about it, wanting to return to it. i still do.
last week i realised i still have email subscribers. a handful. what does that mean tho? should i be more conscious of what i’m writing here? i’m not even sure how it works. do you get an email straight away, every time i hit the publish button? or does it happen differently? more to the point tho, are you interested? do you get the email & then immediately click through, disregarding whatever else it is you’re doing? or do you note the email & return to the blog later, at home, lying in bed maybe? or ignore it altogether. it’s probably just too difficult to unsubscribe, not worth the effort. i don’t know.
this is me now. i pick up my girls each weekend & it’s routine. it’s a new version of life. i’m still completely occupied tho. i’m not interested in waiting for/four months.