just the latest of w places names i guess. wagga now fills me with a vague sense of unease. i’ve spent more years of my life there than anywhere else. it now feels like things have not worked for me there. a palpable sense every time i sight the welcome sign. my kids live there. my ex lives there. my mum & sister. & it continues to fester & grow in a weird way. the majority of your highschool year are still there. you feel watched if you have any reason to walk the main street. the traffic burgeons. things change in a similar way always & you don’t understand any of this.
willandra is going to live on for that one image. even tonight someone mentions it. ‘he’s the guy who took that shot’. i try to explain that there are more, unedited shots still sitting on the memory card but it was almost literally like those words trailed off into the exhaust/noise of a passing truck, lost on the wind. & i tire of repeating myself. what does it matter. the image has the kind of fame only 150 likes on facebook can garner & now it simply has to become symbolic of the time. looking back east, away from the sun, & the way that peculiarly red light brought out the leaves on the wildflowers. it’s the best i can do by way of explanation. i’ll maybe be back there one day but will i be losing myself in the colours or just my own memory again? no point pondering the future i suppose. all moot.
having never been here before wellington is now to be associated with missed opportunities. on the way i chased down a site-specific project that never happened. my theory is there will never be an explanation for it’s non-appearance either. i think that would be preferable. then, i miss the last project, arriving to a darkened street & just the instagram memories. my little ones have had fun just going places anyway, jumping into strange towns & roaming, & they’re now utterly exhausted.
(‘where are you?’ – i wanted to respond with something vitriolic but i didn’t. (nobody is driving through my region to look at projects (if they were though they’d find things planned & mapped a little better) so maybe i should just stay put too. maybe everything i’ve done is taking things too far. i’ve never really appreciated the limits of interaction, always pushing it a little more. i mean even the stupid rhino thing embarrassed me today.))
the girls are heavy breathing cocoons in the bed opposite while i type. our hotel is an old homestead perched on a hill & it could be anywhere. if you like, imagine me writing by candlelight.
i’m not doing well at engineering casual social situations, right. there’s always some moment that makes it seem laboured & difficult. even if it’s just a text going unanswered. or slamming a car door without looking back. or any other of the moments, times. i can’t imagine not trying though. i guess i’m only in my 30s so i haven’t lived that long, but it sure feels long, & i know there just aren’t many of those… times of giving over one’s self. it feels right, even if never straightforward. so yeah. i keep on being stupid. people will eventually give you their binary answers, even if they don’t want to. even if they feel silence is best. i’ve learnt this from the terrible past.
i’ll turn this off now, awake at 6.30am, see what my phone has new, decide more decisions. it’s always new.