i really have a lot of trouble taking my mind off things. i mean i don’t want to pretend it’s some terrible malady, it’s not. it’s just a thing. a personal challenge. & it’s not entirely negative of course. a lot of pursuits in life need a deep & long focus. but other times you just want something gone & it won’t go. often it’s a matter of days dwelling. it sux.

it’s been like that today. the specific thing (there’s usually a specific thing) played out on facebook (of course). not a conflict with anyone close to me but weirdly enough, someone i don’t know msging me with odd & somewhat malicious information. i won’t go into it. it’s all sorted. it just required a bit of thinking & more msging & right now, i still can’t shake this kind heavy, low feeling.

yep there are tactics. i’ve had my whole life to develop ways to be ok with just being. there’s at least three clear things that help me particularly: exercising in some way (we’ve been swimming in the river this afternoon so yes, there’s been a little bit of that remedy, & it has helped, a little bit); alcohol (nothing doing – i’ve still got a few assignments to mark in the next few days so i can’t really afford to be even a bit tired, & it’s a shame, because a little wine is peculiarly effective in getting the mind off things); then there’s talking things out (not really doing much of that at the moment, but here i am on the blog right..)

but then there’s also not talking things out.. it’s more of a new idea. because a lot of things can’t be resolved with talking. a while ago someone hugged me. nothing strange in that it’s a common welcome or farewell gesture. but it’s been a very rare thing for me. maybe the senses become attuned to things they’re not used to, & so i’m making more of it than i should. i don’t know. an artist i’ve been working with – she was telling me recently that human beings need at least 7 hugs per day to survive. i argued half-heartedly with her about it for a bit. (it’s not true, i was thinking to myself, you can’t die from a lack of hugs..) & yet. if you’re not used to being hugged, it just feels electric. there’s some kind of exchange of energy & it lingers with you. you carry that charge with you as you walk away, as you get in your car, i mean it’s still with you an hour later. it kind of sounds silly now that i’ve written it down, but. there’s something in this.

it doesn’t change anything. it doesn’t solve anything or allow you to work through your problems. it just says: the world will keep spinning around us in all of it’s boggling stupidity & complexity with terrible stuff happening all the time but we are here & i can hold you ever-so-briefly while some of it happens. & that helps.

everything’s ok but sorry typingspace, i just feel a bit lonely this evening. & you’re my company. it’ll pass in a few days.