this is the point then: 10 years of putting content up in the space. i’d imagined some kind of interesting, reflective essay… what has the purpose of the blog really been? what function does it now have? what of the future?

but my heart isn’t really in it. it is sort of nice to look back & think about who i was 10 years ago. i was naive & silly, sure. but i was enthusiastic. i was an undergrad student, excited about writing. i was soon to experience the birth of my first daughter. these things are really nice.

where am i at now? well. maybe i don’t need to put these things here. the tally of ill-thought-through deleted blog posts is kind of high this year. but maybe it’ll prove informative. idk.

recently i’ve been ruminating on ‘over-thinking’. you’ve read the posts perhaps. you’re probably sick of the posts about it. i think i’ve been in a sense trying to rationalise it as a character-trait, something that is difficult, but, a part of me. something i need because it helps me deal with complex ideas… i just don’t know anymore though. i’ve reached a point where i think this trait needs to be gone. i need to do something about it, using whatever methods i can. even if this has an impact on my writing, on my ability to feel things & to turn that into poetic imagery. i don’t need the poetry as much as i once thought. i need to be happier more of the time.

over-thinking the past & the future has basically always brought me to the point of anxiety. with physical symptoms / consequences. i’ve just denied it, tried to shake it off, thought i could work my way through it. i’ve never slept well but now, barely at all – i’m awake to witness the digits of every hour on my phone. the only sure method i’ve had to combat everything is alcohol. exercise & activity simply haven’t worked. alcohol suppresses my moods / alcohol works to bring on sleep, eventually. but. in the process…

i’ve said & done things… none of these things i’m happy about, & they can’t be taken back.

i hurt the one person i cared most about. that’s the worst bit. the most complex, interesting & beautiful person i’ve ever met. i think i can say that. i mean, now that that connection is severed, that we can no longer communicate. it’s just an objective statement. & the severing, the blocking, the unsubscribing, i guess in the end it was necessary. i haven’t been able to trust myself with this. not ever. i lost clarity with the connection. i don’t know myself. of course i wouldn’t do anything differently. i think maybe some people never get to lose control in such a consuming way. it will be with me always.

my temptation is always try to make things right with words. to just add more & more words & to fix everything. but it’s now past that. these are just words. i use them too much. i can’t change things with text. & that’s ok. the words are now going unread.

anyway. to end in some sort of positive way the conclusion of all this is that i’ve sought help. i’ve had my appointment, i’m getting a secondary psychological assessment – it’s the beginning of a process. at the very least one outcome will be getting to talk this through productively, not just throwing words out into the ethers. some of my thought processes are ruining things. i don’t have the tactics i need & i am ready to find them.

i’ll write here again. maybe next year.

 

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