this was the first christmas i’ve ever not had the girls with me to wake me up (usually just after 5am). anticipating this violet drew me this picture, & i was instructed to keep it & not open it until christmas morning when i woke up. unfortunately i put it somewhere & forgot to open it at the specified time. but i did just open it now, & perhaps it’s even more appropriate, now that i’m back in narrandera by myself. there’s a palpable quietness. even my cat is away (staying at the ‘pet motel’ for the week). i wouldn’t call it eery… it’s just empty. there isn’t really any colour, feel or tenor to this emptiness. it is what it is.

she loves me unconditionally. those two girls are the most important people in my life. that’s all that matters right.

which is not a new realisation. but it’s helpful to remind myself. the entire drive home i was preoccupied thinking about emptiness. sometimes when you hear the word ‘kafka-esque’ it’s used to signify some sort of confusing, maze-like situation. but my sense of his work is that it denotes emptiness. it’s not that the meaning of things is hidden or hard to find; there simply is no meaning. in The Trial a man is charged with some crime & he is never able to determine what the crime is. he spends the entire novel trying to find out what he’s done, trying to work out how to defend himself. from memory i think there were a few endings, but in the one i prefer the man is simply executed. you are never able to work out what the purpose of life is (or what you have done wrong in life) & then you die.

there’s a philosophical rightness to this way of thinking but of course it’s kind of depressing. & i know the answer to that too: in a universe devoid of meaning it simply makes sense to create your own structures & systems, to play within the rules you have created. the only certainty is that we spend our lives gradually dying, so it seems important that we enjoy ourselves. complex play is the best way to be happy. social connections & patterns. love. friendships. etc. i need to keep remembering these things & violet’s drawing helps.

i realised the pills have been making me feel mildly ill all of the time so i stopped taking them. it’s a stumbling block i guess, because i do think there was a mildly positive affect. i’ll need to get further advice. ha my life is so interesting to readers! i think perhaps this blog is maybe just a perverse 10 year long exercise in alienating people.. i’ve purposefully decreased my readership: told people to unsubscribe, also made my family members promise not to read it. but even aside from these things – people who may once have come here to read my poems will definitely be less interested in this kind of writing. i don’t even know what it is. it’s self indulgent, that much is clear..

& so it keeps taking me by surprise, but yes i keep thinking about her. it’s pointless & stupid but still. stray connections bring a flare of memory. maybe it will always just be like that. thirteen months is just a measurement of days. closeness is always possibly relative, and unequally experienced. it’s my thing to deal with. i have what’s in that picture.