every now & then i think about the performative aspect of blogging. it’s just a mild curiosity, not troubling, not really. i know that if i’m really just writing to work through things or to solve things putting the writing here adds nothing.

a couple of years ago for a few months i wrote a series of really personal diary-style blog posts. they contained everything i was doing, thinking, feeling. my marriage had broken up, i was moving house, i was also trialling anti-anxiety meds for the first time. and putting it all out there. i think i stopped going so deep though when i got some emails and phone calls asking if i was really ok. i realised that wasn’t my intention. i wasn’t performing to elicit irl sympathy.

the rationale only comes with some real clarity after time though. i know now i was writing those posts of late 2015 only because paige was reading them. she was basically my only email blog subscriber, meaning i knew every time i hit publish the text would arrive in her inbox. it was a way of communicating personal detail without actually writing that personal missive directly. a silly subterfuge really. i was trying to engage her in my life and elicit a response. it didn’t work of course. i don’t think you can change the way someone might feel about you by writing things. i’m not sure how i feel about that. i want to make everything better with words.

still do i guess. the key thing i came to the keyboard today wanting to write about was reaching one month of sobriety. it’s a small amount i know, people regularly do the month for charity etc, but this is something more concerted. there’s been a number of ‘incidents’ over the past few years. i’ve been very functional but the most recent was very recent & the very worst, & it led me to seek help. i won’t detail it partly because being blackout drunk makes that hard. also i don’t want to. there are versions of myself out there in people’s memories that i simply don’t recognise. anyhoo, i’m happy for whatever limited accountability this blog gives me. one month is good & positive. i haven’t had to face the challenges yet of really socialising (other than with my cat), and of course new romance is something i’ll be particularly nervous of. maybe i’ll write about these things. or maybe not.

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