i’ve googled, looked into the forums. you can’t unsubscribe people from a public wordpress blog. it’s their choice. if they want to get an email every time you have a stupid thought, they can. nothing you can do about it.
in a way it makes sense, right. if you don’t want someone acessing your life well wow: try not putting it all online.
but in another way i don’t understand. i really don’t. none of it.
so the lines of questions. not interested. no more answers. i’m not with her anymore. it’s been forever. no thoughts on her sexuality. no feelings about it. no thoughts on the new girl. no opinions. nothing. sketches & half-formed songs are all i need:
i’m not set up here to add drums. even if i was i probably wouldn’t. or shouldn’t. i’m not too good at recognising my own limitations. drums is possibly a limit.
not sure where i’m going with this stuff. maybe i need to get all of the 2015 melodies out, done, rendered. then i can look at the instrument again, think about what i want to do with it into the future.
my friend rob is an amazing musician & because of this i once asked him for some tips on how to play the harmonica. so he said, ‘just suck & blow, man. just suck & blow.’
i love him & that anecdote but i still feel like i’m possibly missing something. anyhoo..
apologies for: the audible air-conditioner hum. i can’t turn it off today. also: the inexpertly played melodica. it’s still a pretty little instrument, despite being jammed in my kids’ closet for years.
it’s a rough effort. but then isn’t everything.
hi. let me take you on a little tour of my garden. the lawn area is incredibly large & was overgrown since i moved in, so i’m ever so gradually chipping away at the edges, making it tidy, pleasing. i hope you notice the front is looking nice.. (i was at with scissors today & yesterday) & also out here i have roses on the side. a few different colours when they’re blooming. out the back i’ve planted beans alone, tho i have plans for some more things. i’m a fan of herbs.. (the snails have been eating the beans but i’ve been a bit lazy & not done too much to stop this. anyway, it seems like once the creepers grow high enough the snails can’t get up there.) right down the back there’s a separate fenced off area that i believe once would have kept horses. i’m yet to determine a use for it, tho i have placed the poetry panels there, left over from last year’s project – they continue to degrade nicely in the weather. that’s about it. oh i also have a nice wild patch of mint down in the back corner. it’s a herb you don’t use too much but i like having it. there’s a great mint sauce i remember making once that i should look into preparing again..
so how was your new year’s? i spent mine quietly in a hotel room. i was quite happy with that tho. i’d gone out with some friends the night before so was tired, & content to watch tv & be by myself. i didn’t feel particularly reflective but that’s ok. right now i’m preferring to look forward rather than dwell on the past. i did see the fireworks on the melbourne horizon. it was pretty, albeit kinda distant. it was good to be away for a short time. now i’m back somewhat refreshed, & as you might have ascertained, i’m pouring some efforts into the garden before work life intrudes next week.
i’m still waiting for the necessary work-role enthusiasm to appear. perhaps it won’t. it might. perhaps i’ll change roles. idk. it’s not that easy for me tho.. if anything, i’m ok with my lack of arts project motivation at the moment because i’m enthusiastic about my own work. this should provide some balance. i do aim to travel around a little this year & take on some writing projects. my dream locations are back to tasmania (loved it the one time i’ve been, & wrote a lot), but also new zealand.
while i was away my cat had to stay at the narrandera pet motel. she was totally wild-eyed when i picked her up, not understanding anything. you can understand what it must be like for a pet. she seemed to weigh more too when i put her in the car. the proprietor told me that often happens – there’s a continuous supply of food in the caged area so some cats just do nothing but eat. for a change she curled up right under my arm to sleep the first night back. but of course, she’s now back into her home-life routine, & has gone back to being her more aloof self, only appearing for food, sleeping out of reach.
perhaps i need a dog? we were talking yesterday about the differences in the two, how dogs can sometimes be more human-like companions, how you can talk to them more like they’re people, how you can elicit responses from them, play with them, et cetera. people seem pretty certain about being either dog or cat ‘types’ but i don’t know.. look at this dog tho!
he stormed around the house yesterday bringing a lot of joy. i’m still loving the idea now of a companion i can take places, who’ll hang his head out the window of the car lapping up the air.. anyhoo.. we’ll see.
i began unlocking all of my social media accounts & unblocking every person i’ve ever blocked. it all seems pointless. i’m here, writing things & existing. you can read, look, interact. or not. i don’t have anything to hide. (oh except for that one guy i don’t know who bizarrely msgd me a few months back with ‘fuck you’re a wanker derek motion’ – he can stay blocked i think?..)
i hope you achieve beautiful things in 2016, take on challenges, tackle changes, love & be loved.
this is the point then: 10 years of putting content up in the space. i’d imagined some kind of interesting, reflective essay… what has the purpose of the blog really been? what function does it now have? what of the future?
but my heart isn’t really in it. it is sort of nice to look back & think about who i was 10 years ago. i was naive & silly, sure. but i was enthusiastic. i was an undergrad student, excited about writing. i was soon to experience the birth of my first daughter. these things are really nice.
where am i at now? well. maybe i don’t need to put these things here. the tally of ill-thought-through deleted blog posts is kind of high this year. but maybe it’ll prove informative. idk.
recently i’ve been ruminating on ‘over-thinking’. you’ve read the posts perhaps. you’re probably sick of the posts about it. i think i’ve been in a sense trying to rationalise it as a character-trait, something that is difficult, but, a part of me. something i need because it helps me deal with complex ideas… i just don’t know anymore though. i’ve reached a point where i think this trait needs to be gone. i need to do something about it, using whatever methods i can. even if this has an impact on my writing, on my ability to feel things & to turn that into poetic imagery. i don’t need the poetry as much as i once thought. i need to be happier more of the time.
over-thinking the past & the future has basically always brought me to the point of anxiety. with physical symptoms / consequences. i’ve just denied it, tried to shake it off, thought i could work my way through it. i’ve never slept well but now, barely at all – i’m awake to witness the digits of every hour on my phone. the only sure method i’ve had to combat everything is alcohol. exercise & activity simply haven’t worked. alcohol suppresses my moods / alcohol works to bring on sleep, eventually. but. in the process…
i’ve said & done things… none of these things i’m happy about, & they can’t be taken back.
i hurt the one person i cared most about. that’s the worst bit. the most complex, interesting & beautiful person i’ve ever met. i think i can say that. i mean, now that that connection is severed, that we can no longer communicate. it’s just an objective statement. & the severing, the blocking, the unsubscribing, i guess in the end it was necessary. i haven’t been able to trust myself with this. not ever. i lost clarity with the connection. i don’t know myself. of course i wouldn’t do anything differently. i think maybe some people never get to lose control in such a consuming way. it will be with me always.
my temptation is always try to make things right with words. to just add more & more words & to fix everything. but it’s now past that. these are just words. i use them too much. i can’t change things with text. & that’s ok. the words are now going unread.
anyway. to end in some sort of positive way the conclusion of all this is that i’ve sought help. i’ve had my appointment, i’m getting a secondary psychological assessment – it’s the beginning of a process. at the very least one outcome will be getting to talk this through productively, not just throwing words out into the ethers. some of my thought processes are ruining things. i don’t have the tactics i need & i am ready to find them.
i’ll write here again. maybe next year.
neon imprints float on waking
the flotsam of a night & over-
doing it settles into your irises
like webbing a tactical whispering
of mantras is fanciful but this at
least gives us something to do:
#imakemyownhappiness when all
the blurring words remembered by
others chase out mindfulness & a
schisming of discrete topics elides
into a soundbyte that’s when i know
i’m getting off the grid the action
possible in increments / one day
one platform one person at a time