there’s more sadness than happiness making up a life. if pressed i’d put the ratio at 70/30. but then maybe some of that 70% is simply emptiness, or boredom. it’s hard to tell. you choose what to remember though. i’ve been watching a lot of long-form tv shows that involve detectives and crime. the lyrics in this track were meant to echo that and use the language as an investigative lens, repeating the images of urgently garbled radio squad car directions, and fervent leading questions posed in stark interview room (usually a green palette). but i don’t think any of that comes through. not really.
falling sick is falling into a pleasant & easy air of detachment. for a change i can drive to work without dwelling, mulling. realising ten minutes after the fact where i’ve been at. the flu seems to occupy some careful part of my brain that won’t leave the past or future alone, in perhaps a more effective way than prescription drugs. memory still exists but it’s elided, the substance of the footage slides into a mild haze, a wispy & dreamy slush pile of thought. the seasonal body invasion that is, yes, surely ‘going around’ leaves me free to operate at a slightly elevated level, above normal consciousness, observing the circular drift of cloud & the illusion of cold air paralleled in the sky’s colours, or something. i photograph it all – keeping my left hand on the wheel – & later edit for sharing. but the best bit is that an unexpected lapse in my hand’s steadiness creates an extra roil, an enhanced cloud curlicue. i go with this as a metaphor for something i haven’t discovered yet (like the people who like beautifully rendered slices of motivational text in a 1:1 ratio image, but who also like ironic commentaries on motivational text) everything is accidental, inconsistent, meaningless. but nevertheless beautiful & poignant. because why not. we catch a vision out of the corner of our eyes & hold onto it. something as simple as a shaft of ice blue sky against the late-early morning cumulus. or, particularly impractical shoes, a freeze-frame from behind, captured but untagged in someone else’s album.
continued investigations into the subject. media unspecific.
have to be lonely
it’s not /
i’ve googled, looked into the forums. you can’t unsubscribe people from a public wordpress blog. it’s their choice. if they want to get an email every time you have a stupid thought, they can. nothing you can do about it.
in a way it makes sense, right. if you don’t want someone acessing your life well wow: try not putting it all online.
but in another way i don’t understand. i really don’t. none of it.
so the lines of questions. not interested. no more answers. i’m not with her anymore. it’s been forever. no thoughts on her sexuality. no feelings about it. no thoughts on the new girl. no opinions. nothing. sketches & half-formed songs are all i need:
i’m not set up here to add drums. even if i was i probably wouldn’t. or shouldn’t. i’m not too good at recognising my own limitations. drums is possibly a limit.
not sure where i’m going with this stuff. maybe i need to get all of the 2015 melodies out, done, rendered. then i can look at the instrument again, think about what i want to do with it into the future.